A Festivus for the Rest of Us

To those of you who are familiar with Seinfeld, you know about Festivus.

This December 23^rd I attended a bar where Festivus was being held, complete with the traditional aluminum pole. One of the Festivus organizers, Cooper, had attempted to cut down a fence pole in his back yard,, but after failing, he sent his girlfriend to a hardware store. A woman buying a single aluminum pole on the night of December 23^rd is no doubt an unusual thing and the cashier asked why she was buying it. Her reply was "my friends are retarded." If loving Seinfeld enough to celebrate Festivus is retarded, then I'm profoundly retarded.

Since the bar was also a restaurant, it was supposed to be a family environment and therefore had no bouncers. This meant that the bar was unprepared for the drunken debauchery that we unleashed. Imagine this for a moment: you have no knowledge of Festivus, and you're having a nice evening out with the fam. Then, a man walks into the bar with a six foot pole, says nothing, and leans it against the wall, inspects his handiwork, then heads to the bar to get a drink. How loudly would your brain be screaming "What the fuck?!"?

Eventually the normal people escaped and we were able to celebrate Festivus undisturbed.  Every time that someone entered the bar we would all shout "Person is here! It's another Festivus Miracle!" And Person would grin at the rest of the bar and be assimilated into the drunken hivemind.

After airing grievances as loudly as we could, Cooper wandered the bar with the aluminum pole. One of the patrons, Ron, asked if the pole was aluminum or galvanized steel. In response to this, Cooper handed the aluminum pole off to someone and knelt down in a Tim Tebow pose. Cooper slowly made a fist and drew back his arm, then he unleashed a savage uppercut to Ron's testicles. Ron immediately grabbed his crotch and ever so slowly tipped over to one side and fell on the floor. The waitress calmly stepped over his corpse and wandered off to deliver some food. Later Ron's facebook status would read "I should not have questioned the validity of the aluminum pole."